This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize