she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
