the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
