They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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