Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
His hands were made for my vagina.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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