Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
