Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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