dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
