He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
