I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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