FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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