well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
