my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
