Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
