I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
