OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
