Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Ladies don't puke and tell
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
