Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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