obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
