got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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