btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
