just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
