From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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