Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize