I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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