I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
