Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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