I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
