Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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