in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
