ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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