I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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