yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
