she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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