If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
