my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Duck Duck Cougar?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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