Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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