I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
