What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
