i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize