with your own penis?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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