i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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