I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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