We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
