i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
