Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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