The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize