We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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