I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
