I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We smell like vodka and hangover
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