my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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