Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
