community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
