I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
