In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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