Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
And then my night got REAL pukey
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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