I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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