I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My pussy is not your playground.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
