i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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