Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize