Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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