called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
